i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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