He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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