you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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