I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
as a side note pls kill me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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