I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
