She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
