Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
