this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
