my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
