she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
