if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
