I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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