I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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