True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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