so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
