If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
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Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"