Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here