Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?