i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
