Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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