so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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