Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
