ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
