my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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