We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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