If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
