Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
