I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
