I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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