i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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