my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i think i just lost a toe
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
