I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
