we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
