from now on my penis is your penis
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
