I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
