I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
