U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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