Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
