Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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