I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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