ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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