she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
