could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
