his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
