So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
