I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
