Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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