I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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