atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
