By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
