oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
