I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
