The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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