you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
