TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
