i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
