We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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