you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
