Betty ford says i'm here all night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.