just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
its like you know when i get waxed